


a new blue

by watergator



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mentions of alchohol, One Shot, Pre-Relationship, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Sickness, alchohol, but no actual sex/smut, high school parties, mentions of sex I guess, mentions of sick, mentions of vomiting, pre phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 19:45:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13394937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: the build up to when dan meets phil, and dan is questioning his sexuality





	a new blue

**Author's Note:**

> just before you read this i'd strongly advice listening to the song 'terrified' by issac gracie. the song had a heavy influence on this story and i'd love for you all to go listen to it since it's really beautiful and works well with what I've written :)
> 
> okay thanks, enjoy !
> 
> (and let me know what you thought of the song in the comments if you do listen to it, i'd love to hear your opinions!!)

Dan has always been a strong believer of putting things off as long as possible; he’s the biggest procrastinator he knows, he likes shoving things to the back of his mind until its completely necessary and he’s good at it.  
He would wait a whole week when he was at school to finish his psychology essay, and the day it would be due he’d had an alarm set for 5am so he’d jump out of bed with a sudden surge of urgency and manage to get something done for his class in less than two hours.  
He would be home alone and he’d see a little text spring up on his small screened phone, telling him to do the dishes, but he would wait until he heard the sound of tires against gravel as his parents pulled up in the driveway from work, where he would leap up and stumble graciously into the kitchen to throw as many pots and pans into the dishwasher to show he’d made some sort of effort.  
  
Dan was good at doing that, putting it off if it saved him any actual physical effort.  
But Dan was also good at putting away thoughts.  
  
He’s fifteen, in the living room of someone he doesn’t really know, pressed up against a girl from a neighbouring school to his, Erin, he thinks her name is, and she’s got sweeping dark hair and the room is dark, aside from the shitty Pound Land strobe lights, but he thinks her eyes are a bluey colour.  
He has a plastic cup in his hand, and she’s grabbing him by the collar of his favourite polo shirt, and soon his lips are being pressed against hers, and it’s nice.  
She tastes like cheap alcohol, and he doesn’t doubt he does too, and as she deepens the kiss, his hand goes slack with the shock and he’s spilling vodka all down her top and they break apart quickly,  
  
“Shit, sorry,” he breathes, and it’s way too loud for her to even hear, but she yells something back anyway,  
  
“It’s okay.” Her hands are still balled into his shirt collar and this time he kisses her.  
  
He likes Erin, he likes her a whole lot.  
  
Dan expects them to never see again after the party, but to his surprise, she somehow gets his number, a week later, and they are sending texts back and forth.  
They hang out after school, still in their different uniforms, and Dan wants to be brave to hold her hand, because this is the closest he’s been to having something, but when they’re wandering around Tesco’s one afternoon, she grabs his hands, and pulls him along the aisles.  
He feels his mouth go dry as he looks down at how their fingers are interlocked, how she does it so carelessly, how she’s dancing around him in the middle of the bread isle and he’s got nothing to say or do because his heart it beating a million miles a minute.  
  
They eventually start properly going out, and Dan tries to be cool about it around his parents but one night at dinner, his brother mentions something about a certain girlfriend, so Dan sends a swift kick to his shin, and soon enough after his mother’s protesting that she demanded to know, Dan spills the beans and she’s gushing all over her already.  
He thinks it’s nice, to see his mum be happy for him, to see him have a nice, sweet adorable girlfriend. And it is nice.  
-  
  
He invites her to his house one evening; his parents are working late again and his brother has a karate class, and he doesn’t really have anything to do, so he calls her and he can feel her beaming over the phone as she excitedly says she’s on her way.  
  
When Dan opens the door to her, he feels in awe. She looks beautiful as ever, but she’s wearing a little more makeup than usual, a thick line of eyeliner under her bottom lid, and Dan can’t believe how cool she is.  
He takes her to his room, awkwardly kicking a pair of old boxers under his bed, his face flushed, and sit on his bed and talk.  
  
They talk for a while and soon their lips are moving all over each other and she pushes Dan back so his head hits the headboard, and he feels a tight feeling in his chest as she kisses him harder, and his mind goes blank before there’s a big woof coming from downstairs and Dan suddenly sits up, almost pushing her off the bed,  
  
“Banghi,” he says sympathetically as he stands up, “bloody dog will bark at anything” and he’s leaving the room to go let his idiot of a dog outside, but when he unlocks the door letting the dog bound out into the dark of the garden, he breathes.  
  
-  
  
School is hard.  
School is always hard, and Dan doesn’t expect himself to be a special case, so when he walks down hallways, getting shoved painfully onto coat pegs, hearing the loud yell of,  
  
“Dan Howell is a faggot!”  
  
Followed by a round of laughter from other boys, he doesn’t wish it could be any different, mainly because he knows that’s a waste of time.  
He can’t wish for them to stop being cruel. It’s just what happens.  
  
They hardly ever physically abuse him, it’s usually the taunts and the in your face sneers that he’s used to.  
It’s hardly ever that they’d really hurt him, but when he’s on his back in the empty football field behind the school, taking a few good kicks to his ribs, he knows he can’t complain. He shouldn’t, because they usually never really do this a whole lot.  
And then when one of the boys, Dan can’t really see from where he’s lying, takes a heavy foot and lands it on his nose, he feels the urge to throw up because of the cracking sound it made.  
But he doesn’t say anything as tears slip silently down his face, he just hopes they haven’t done enough damage to emit a trip to A&E. His parent’s would flip.  
  
He picks himself off the dirty, wet grass, and they took his blazer, thankfully with nothing in it, so now his white school shirt is stained with mud, grass and blood, and he winces because he knows blood and grass is a bitch to get out and he hopes his mum doesn’t find out.  
He’s going to his grandmas after school. His parents are at work again and his brother is at a friend’s again, so he makes his way to her house, and he’s glad it’s only a two minute walk because every bone in his body is starting to throb.  
  
When he makes it to her house he knocks weakly on her door and he flinches before he looks down to see how bent up his hand is looking and more tears begin to prickle behind his eyes.  
But when she opens the door, her face dropping, she pulls him in for a hug and that’s when Dan lets out a few little sobs.  
And when he eventually pulls away, he sees he’s gotten blood on her nice blouse, which means his nose is probably bleeding and he really hopes its not broken.  
  
When he goes home, fresh and clean from his grandma’s shower, dressed in the clothes from the closet he has at her house in the spare room, a belly full of biscuits, bearing a black eye, he wanders into the kitchen, his father looks up from the table where he’s working, gives Dan a curt nod. Dan thinks maybe he’ll say something, but he ducks his head back down again, and Dan just walks back out again, like he always does.  
He passes his mum on the stairs and she just smiles a thin smile once she catches sight of the purple bruise enveloping his left eye but when he reaches the landing, his brother asks,  
  
“Are you alright?”  
  
And Dan nods, feeling fresh tears gather up, but before he can say any more, he darts into his room, shutting the door with his foot as he jumps onto his bed, letting out a few small, sad sobs, hissing as salty tears dribble into the cut on his lip.  
  
He grabs his phone and texts Erin, and once she’s expressed her sympathies, showering Dan in all the love she can over a phone screen, he falls asleep in his clothes, phone in hand.

 -  
  
When Dan is sixteen he’s at another party. He finds himself being tagged along with Erin, because Erin is popular and cool and everyone loves Erin.  
They’re in another hot crowded room, and Dan can feel the burning thrum of strong alcohol in his veins, and someone suggests Truth or Dare and Erin is giggling loudly with her head thrown back when Dan loudly exclaims he’s playing.  
  
They all get a few silly ones, Dan maybe gives too much away with his intoxicated brain, but everyone is on the same level as him, so no one really knows what’s going on, so when a boy dares Dan to make out with Erin, he feels a little funny.  
She’s sat beside him, eyes blown wide, those nice blue eyes, hand on his knee where he’s sat crossed legged like a child, and she grins at him expectantly, so the boy groans in desperation as Dan sits and does nothing,  
  
“Fucks sake Dan if you’re not gonna kiss Erin at least kiss someone!”  
  
So he does. There’s a boy to his right, his name is Matt and he has nice blonde hair and he doesn’t exactly know what colour his eyes are, but he’s pressing their lips together quickly, and he pretends not to hear Matt gasp in shock, so he pulls back, teeth between his bottom lip, and Matt looks like he’s frozen in fear.  
  
“What the fuck?” Matt suddenly comes to life, spluttering dramatically as he wipes his mouth the back of his sleeve of his sweater.  
  
Dan just blinks down and his own foot, and then back to Erin who isn’t looking at him, but watching everyone else fall about with laughter.  
Her hand is still on his knee, and he desperately wants to put his hand over hers, but he’s not brave enough.  
  
It’s not until later when they’re walking home, too drunk to drive and too broke to afford to pay for a cab, stumbling along home, and Erin tells Dan he can stay at hers tonight, and as their fingers brush against each other, he really wants to grab hold of it, but he’s not brave enough.  
So she does instead, she holds his hand as they walk along the quiet country road, the cool midnight air surrounding them,  
  
“You don’t have to be sorry,” she finally says, and Dan can’t find the words to say back. And he never really ever does.  
  
And that night when Erin has passed out on her bed and Dan is cuddled up to her, does he shift over to cry about kissing Matt into her plush pink pillows.  
Not because of Erin, but because of everything else.  
  
-  
  
It’s Summer and everyone on Dan’s social media is freaking out about A Levels and University, but as Dan lays on his bed, his back slouched in the least ergonomic way, he can’t find himself to care about those thoughts. He’s procrastinating again.  
Erin is going to Oxford – she knows and Dan knows she’s going to get in; she’s incredibly smart and knows a lot about lots of things and Dan doesn’t doubt her dreams.  
In fact, a lot of people have a clear idea what they want to do once they leave Sixth Form, but Dan tells himself that after the Summer he’ll have a year left and he’ll have a clear idea by then.  
But until then, he’s sat on his bed, scrolling through his YouTube subscription box, his lips curving into a small smile when he sees one channel pop up.  
  
‘AmazingPhil has uploaded a video’  
  
-  
  
He’s tried to show Erin Phil’s videos, explain how cool he is, but when she comes over she seems disinterested and Dan is used to the idea of her not caring as much, because she’s worried about the future, whilst Dan is all the same worried, just pushing it to one side. Like he always does.  
They’re home alone again. Dan’s parents are at work again, probably won’t be home until late, and his grandad has taken his brother to a local football match for the afternoon and then probably take him out for burgers afterwards, so they have a whole afternoon to themselves, to laze about.  
  
They watch a few movies, and make out for the fun of it, when Erin mentions a party that’s happening and Dan feels his stomach sink.  
He’s always hated parties, at least, the ones he doesn’t want to go to. And he thinks about the whole thing with Matt just a couple of months ago and he feels his stomach twist in knots, but as Erin places a soft kiss on his lips, he finds himself saying,  
  
“Yeah I’ll see you there.”  
  
They’re ridiculous drunk, well, Erin is at least. Mainly because it’s not WKD or any cheap shitty alcohol this time.  
She’s all over Dan, leaning into him, sucking fat, wet kisses up his neck and he does his best to hold onto her, to gently hold her up as she can’t seem to do it herself.  
He feels sick and hot and uncomfortable and he leans in to tell Erin that he wants to leave when she gags, and throws up all over his red plaid shirt.  
She’s too drunk to notice it, to notice the little lumps that have caught in her straightened hair, so he sighs and looks around.  
  
Everyone here is off their head, and Dan takes a guess that he’s the most sober one here; Mr Brightside seems to be pounding in his head, he stinks like sick and Erin is tripping up her own feet around him.  
He guides her up the stairs, telling her each time when there’s a step, and they make their way to the bathroom.  
  
It’s empty, thank God, and Dan takes a towel, not caring that it’s clean and wipes his front down of the watery vomit over his shirt.  
He then carefully picks the bits out her hair as she sways side to side on the edge of the bathtub, unaware of her own surroundings.  
  
Dan is just about done fixing her hair when he whispers,  
“Kiss me.”  
  
Dan blinks at her, her words are slurred and she can hardly keep her eyes open,  
“What?”  
  
“I said,” she pauses, “kiss me.”  
  
And Dan has no time to react because she’s smashing their mouths together, and Dan stumbles from where he’s knelt down.  
He doesn’t want to be rude, but her breath smells a little and it’s too rough and too hard and not really Erin.  
  
But she’s standing up, pushing into him, and Dan finds himself being pushed around by her, and somehow, they’ve made it to the landing, and she’s pushing him up against a wall.  
There’s a million thoughts going through Dan’s mind, he knows they’ve both never done it before, but eventually she breaks away for air and they’re gasping.  
Her blue eyes are wide and hazy and her lipstick is slightly smudged and Dan can see a little bit of puke still in her hair, but she feels behind Dan to grasp onto a door handle, and pushes it open.  
  
For a split second, Dan thinks that maybe he does want to do this. He’s about to have sex with a beautiful girl. He’s about to finally do it, and whilst it’s not as beautiful and as romantic as he’d hoped, it might just happen. Even if it feels all wobbly.  
  
But Erin gasps, and Dan turns on his heels to see the room is already occupied.  
  
There on the bed is Matt, and he’s under another boy.  
All four of them stare at each other for a second, and Matt looks as if he could weep.  
  
Thank god they’re all clothed, but when it’s been a second too long, Dan mutters a quick sorry and slams the door shut.  
  
He drives Erin home not long after that, and apologises to her mother when he hands her over, and as he climbs back into his car, sat in his girlfriend’s drive in the dead of night, he thinks about how close he was to everything with Erin. And then he thinks about Matt and that boy.  
  
But Dan just pushes it all to one side again and blinks back big, fat tears.  
  
-  
  
He loves talking to Phil.  
  
He’s hasn’t plucked up enough courage to send him a Skype request yet, but he find himself talking to him more and more.  
And he wishes Erin would care, but at least she pretends to do so.  
  
They’re back at school now, and Dan meets her outside her school each day to walk her home but they don’t hold hands anymore.  
  
It’s not until one night when they’re on her bed, her parents are out, and she’s on top of him, pressing her lips up the skin of his neck, along his jawline, before they’re landing on his lips, and they’re both feeling hot and flustered.  
  
He finds the courage to rest his hand under her skirt, just above her knee, but it’s not enough for her and she’s guiding it further and further upwards -  
  
But he yanks it back like he’s been scolded by hot water. He promptly sits up, face burning a shade of bright red, and quickly slipping away from underneath her,  
  
“I have to go.” He mumbles, fixing his hoodie strings, grabbing his backpack off her bedroom floor.  
  
“No wait, Dan,” she speaks before he could leave.  
  
He stops in the doorway of her room, and turns to face her. She’s still knelt on the bed, his lips are puffy and her eyes are glistening, almost as if she could cry at any moment.  
  
“What’s going on?” She finally speaks. Her voice is so quiet and different, so different to the loud Erin he knows, so he just shakes his head,  
  
“I don’t know what you mean.” He replies, and even though he wants to go, he finds himself sitting back on the bed with her.  
  
She takes her hand and runs her fingers through his long hair, and it’s so nice that he could melt into the touch.  
  
“Dan,” she speaks again but Dan has his eyes closed and she lets her hands wonder to cup his cheek.  
  
“If you wanna tell me, you can.” She says in an almost whisper.  
  
Dan desperately wants to be angry because he doesn’t need those thoughts yet, because they’re not real and he doesn’t care. But he feels a sinking feeling in his chest, and when he opens his eyes, he realises he’s crying and so is she, but he sniffs and gives her a weak smile,  
  
“There’s nothing to tell you.”  
  
-  
  
Dan blows off a Halloween party with Erin and a load of other kids from school to talk to Phil. They’ve been Skyping each other more and more, and Dan loves it. He can’t help but gush about how much he adores his videos and how he wishes he could do something like that, and when Phil says,  
  
“You so should!” over the crappy connection, Dan just scoffs just as his phone on his bedside table lights up but he can’t be bothered to grab it yet,  
  
“Yeah right, what would I even be good at?” he chuckles nervously, sitting up to get his phone as it flashes up again,  
  
“Well for one, you’re good at being pretty,” Phil says in a low, almost nervous voice, and Dan just goes silent.  
  
His gaze flickers between Phil and his phone, which is a Facebook notification of a picture Erin had been tagged in. She’s at the party in a her too-tight cat costume, hanging off the same kid who stepped on Dan’s face a few years back on that cold, wet football pitch.  
  
“Shit, sorry Dan,” Phil breaks through the short silence and Dan quickly locks his phone to look back at his laptop screen, “I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry” Phil adds on, sounding sorry.

But Dan just hums and nods, and then,  
“Hey, I’m feeling kinda tired I might just go now.”  
  
And tries not to notice Phil’s face fall and then straighten back up in a faux smile,  
“Oh, yeah, sure” he nods vigorously.  
  
“Happy Halloween Phil.” Dan smiles a small smile,  
  
“Happy Halloween Dan.”  
  
-

 Erin apologises for the photos later that week, mortified that anyone would even post pictures of her that drunk and messy, but she assures Dan that nothing most definitely happened, and sadly, Dan knows she’s telling the truth.  
They’re in WHSmith’s because Erin needs a new notebook for her History Class and when they’re at the cashier, Dan awkwardly knocks over the little pot of pencils on her desk with his elbow, and curses under his breath and he quickly drops down to scoop them all up.  
Erin laughs quietly at Dan’s expense but stops short when the elderly cashier says,  
  
“Is this your boyfriend dear? He’s a clumsy one, hm?”  
  
Dan stands back up swiftly, ignoring how Erin had said nothing but tucked her hair behind her ear and just handed over a fiver to the woman.  
  
So when they walked back through town, Dan said he’d probably just go home and let her study or whatever and she just nodded quietly.  
It gave Dan time to think; think what they were. Did he love Erin? They kissed and cuddled and hung out all the time, but he can’t remember a point where he felt head over heels with her.  
He’s only ever had one relationship so he’s not sure how it’s all supposed to feel but they’ve almost dated for three years and they’re still stuck where they were before.  
And maybe Dan’s just nervous. Nervous about his first time, or saying ‘I love you’.  
  
Or maybe Dan doesn’t want this.  
Maybe he wants something completely different, and he knows as quickly as it comes, he’s about to shove that thought away again, into the back of his mind where he doesn’t have to think about it again, but his phone buzzes from his pocket.  
And when he fishes it out, its Phil.  
  
And he finds himself feeling something he’s never felt with Erin.  
And that terrifies him.  
  
-  
  
Erin has been accepted into Oxford University - whilst Dan is staying behind in Wokingham alone, aside from the fair few people in his classes that simply didn’t try hard enough.  
But Dan doesn’t want to think about University or his future just right now, at least, there’s one thing he wants to focus on.  
  
It’s Erin’s last summer here before she’s moving away. She has a dorm all ready for her up in London and he can tell she’s excited. And nervous. But excited.  
They’re hanging out, just like old times, in Dan’s brown bedroom, his laptop open as they watch a movie, and Banghi the dog is sprawled out over their legs and she lazily scratches his belly and he wags his tail in happiness.  
  
It’s only a matter of time now, Dan thinks. It’s only a matter of how long before one of them says something and it’s all over, and Dan knows he’s never going to brave enough – so he’s just waiting for her to say it. But what she does say, surprises Dan,  
  
“Do you ever regret any of this?” She mumbles quietly, not taking her eyes off the screen in front of her, patting Banghi’s belly as he whines for attention.  
  
Dan looks at her, then back at the movie,  
“I’m not really sure.”  
  
He’s never sure, he’s never 100% and he knows that must be incredibly frustrating for her and he doesn’t know why she’s even ever put up with him before. But if this really is the end of this three-year journey. He’s being as honest as he can be. He always has tried to be.  
  
“Do you?” he finds himself asking even though he’s not sure he really wants to know, but she lets out a small sigh,  
  
“I don’t know either.”  
  
He just nods, and they’re both still watching the movie, petting the dog on the bed.  
  
“I wish,” she stops, as if thinking, “I just wish we had done it, you know?” And this time, she turns her head to face Dan, who can now feel his ears burning.  
  
“Oh.” He simply says and she laughs a small laugh, patting his arm playfully,  
  
“I’m kidding Dan, breathe,” she grins, and he finds himself grinning back too.  
  
She turns her attention back to the movie again,  
“But honestly, I just hope uni serves me guys as sweet as you. I don’t wanna lose it to some guy named Kyle in the back of a car in a Tesco’s car park,” she says and Dan actually laughs,  
  
“I wish I’d been more romantic,” Dan says and she smiles at that,  
  
“You think crappy, sweaty teenage parties with puke in my hair, isn’t romantic?” She jokes and Dan just smiles with his head down.  
  
They watch the movie for a while, before Dan says something suddenly,  
  
“Do you want to go to Paris?”

 -

They’ve agreed that this is it. They’ve booked a flight and a hotel to Paris for one night and then that’s it. They’ll come home back to Heathrow and it’ll be over.  
But Dan thinks this is the least he can do, that he can give her and himself this.  
And as they’re sat on the plane, Erin has the window seat, his phone buzzes and it’s a text from Phil,  
  
**Phil** : have fun in paris!! :P  
  
And before he can hide it, Erin’s leaning over to look at his screen. Her eyes meet Dan’s, and hers are so beautiful, and he doesn’t want to hurt her, but she’s grinning a big pleased grin,  
  
“Remember what I said about telling me,” she reminds him, but Dan nods with a pursed smile and swallows it all back down.  
  
They arrive in Paris and go a bit over the top with the romance. It’s not as beautiful and pretty as they’d imagine.  
It’s just another version of London, but in France.  
  
Dan takes her to dinner and pays for it all and ends up buying her a rose, and she’s all giggly, even when Dan knocks over his glass of wine. It’s a classic Dan move.  
He remembers when he met her, when he spilt vodka down her top and how she kissed him. How brave and bold she was with him.  
  
He takes her for a walk under the moonlight, talking about old times with his hands shoved in his pockets, when they make their way back to their hotel room.  
It’s nothing fancy, it’s just enough for a teenage boy with a job at Asda’s can afford, but then in the middle of the room, he kisses her.  
  
He kisses her slowly and sweetly and he feels them move towards the bed and his heart feels like it could burst out of his chest, but he knows hers is doing the same, so when they pull apart for air, she smiles at him. And he smiles back.  
  
-

The flight home is a little awkward the next day. He’s given her the window seat again, but he doesn’t really care, and he checks his messages to see a few from his mum and another from Phil again that reads,  
  
**Phil** : let me know when youre home unless youre all loved up by the city of love LOL :P  
  
There’s a cruel irony in that. The city of love. They city you take your girlfriend for one last date, where you both have sex for the same time and then immediately break up. So he huffs a laugh because he’s too tired to feel anything right now – he doesn’t know if he should feel heartbroken or worse.  
  
Or better.  
  
When they touch down in Heathrow, Dan’s parents are waiting for them and she gets a ride from them.  
They made a decision not to tell anymore until a couple more weeks when the Summer is over, to avoid suspicion. To have this a little longer.  
  
So when they’re pulling onto her driveway a few hours later, Dan kindly carrying her one bag, they reach her front door, she turns to him,  
  
“Thank you.” She smiles, her blue eyes sparkling with moisture.  
  
“Yeah, you too,” he lamely says back, and she laughs wetly, pulling him in.  
  
She kisses him, long and slow, and Dan forgets his parent’s sat in their car watching them. Because she’s kissing him for the last time. It feels so bittersweet.  
  
She pulls away first, and blinks as tears slip down her cheeks,  
“See you, Dan.”  
  
Dan nods, sighing a heavy sigh,  
“Bye Erin.”  
  
And when he climbs back into the car, his mum teasing him playfully as they pull away, he watches her at the doorway wave them off, and he finally looks away once she’s out of sight. He feels pretty weird about the whole situation.  
  
“So was it a good trip honey?” his mum says from the driver’s seat, looking in the mirror back at Dan who gives her a quick smile,  
  
“Lovely, mum.”  
  
-

 When Dan turns eighteen he wakes up to a unusal plethora of text messages on his phone and he’s not surprised to find that almost all of them are from Phil.  
  
**Phil** : happppppy birthday you!  
  
**Phil** : youre 18 !!!!!!  
  
**Phil** : sorry ur probably not even awake yet :(  
  
**Phil** : skype latr if ur not busy having AWESOME PARTIES xD  
  
There’s that tug in his chest as he reads over them. That same tug he’s always had with Phil, the one he felt that one party with Matt.  
That bubbling sensation that started in his chest, then blocked this throat and made it’s way into his brain.  
The one he’s been desperately trying to ignore.  
  
There’s also a sweet message from his Grandma.  
And one from Erin.  
  
**Erin** : happy birthday dan :) have a lovely day x  
  
Everyone knows now. He told his parents and his grandparents and Phil. And everyone tried to comfort him and tell him it’d be alright, but Dan hadn’t the heart to tell them that this was what they wanted.  
  
So why was Dan sat here, staring at a screen of texts from Phil, so scared of what he wanted.  
He thinks back to how Erin had told him that he could tell her. Why had she’d known before Dan even had, or, had Dan known this whole time but was just too scared?  
  
Dan was a damn good procrastinator. He could put anything off until the last minute.  
He’d wait until the last second to text someone back, or do his homework just as the teacher would enter the room.  
  
In fact, Dan was so good at procrastinating, that he had put off his own identity.  
  
He was terrified. Terrified to face this thought, the one that had been sat in the back of his mind since before forever.  
It had been there before Erin, before high school.  
  
It was something he never bothered to face, and it wasn’t out of laziness, he was genuinely terrified.  
So he opened up his texts to Phil again and did something absolutely crazy,  
  
**Dan** : i think i might be gay  
  
He sent it without thinking. But as seconds ticked on, that’s when he really started thinking,  
  
**Dan** : well idk if i am gay  
  
**Dan** : maybe bi  
  
**Dan** : fuck sorry i dont know  
  
He sucked in a breath. He was still in bed, his parents weren’t even awake yet and he knew soon they’d be calling him down to open presents and his brother would be bouncing up and down because cake for breakfast, but here he was, doing something scary and big and brave.  
  
**Phil** : okay  
  
**Phil** : its okay :)  
  
Dan felt a weird feeling in his chest, surely, this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen?  
Or was it?  
  
Dan felt hot all over like he had a fever, confused and scared. How was he supposed to reply?  
  
**Phil** : if we are telling each other something can i tell u something??  
  
Dan squeezed his eyes shut to will any tears away, took a deep breath to steady his beating heart and typed back,  
  
**Dan** : yes

He awaited his reply, feeling like forever had passed when he saw the text pop up,  
  
**Phil** : i like you. a lot.  
  
**Phil** : if thats okay.  
  
Dan swallowed the lump in his throat that seemed to have formed there. He rolled over to his back and rested his arm over his head.  
Why wasn’t this fair?  
  
He broke up with his girlfriend because his head told him to, and now all of this was happening and his heart wasn’t even giving him a straight answer.  
  
A straight answer, that was ironic.  
  
Was Dan gay? Did he find men attractive? Did he enjoy the feel of Matt’s lips pressed against his? Does he look at Phil and feel that flutter of adoration that he never had with Erin?  
  
Yes. Yes to all of those.  
  
Was this easy? Fuck, no.  
  
He looked back down at his phone again that he’d discarded to see three more texts from Phil,  
  
**Phil** : fuck dan i am so sorry that was really out of order of me  
  
**Phil** : im sorry, im here if you need to talk about ur sexuality, or i can just go away lol  
  
**Phil** : happy birthday again though  
  
And he smiled. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be easy. Dan wasn’t cut out for thing ever being straightforward and simple, it always was an upheave struggle with him, and if he was gay, then maybe he was.  
  
**Dan** : maybe i like you too  
  
He couldn’t believe how brave he was being. He was hardly ever like this, but he opened up another text, feeling a little braver again, this time to Erin,  
  
**Dan** : remember when u said i could tell u?  
  
**Dan** : this is me telling u  
  
He locked his phone giving himself a minute to breathe. It was all a lot to take in and it was still early and his birthday, so he chucked his phone to the end of his bed, and closed his eyes again.  
His heart was still pounding and he felt a little sick, but that sinking feeling seemed to have shifted, not gone, but weighed a little less.  
  
And a few hours later when Dan was opening presents with family, he checked his phone when no one was looking to see a text from Erin,  
  
**Erin** : proud of u howell  
  
**Erin** : go get him ;)  
  
He snorted a laugh and shrugged it off when his brother asked what was so funny, but for once maybe he felt alright.  
  
-

  
The train comes to a slow and Dan wraps his jacket around himself as the doors slide open, welcoming the chilly October air. He wishes he brought a bigger coat.  
But it’s too late now, and his head is swarming with a million thoughts but he wills himself to start walking and he’s shuffling behind an elderly couple off the train.  
  
The station is unfamiliar and Dan feel’s a little out of his depth here, so far away from boring old Wokingham.  
But he spots him.  
  
In a room full of people, he spots him.  
They managed to catch sight at the same time, and Dan loses all respect and shoves past the old man taking his time ahead of him and is almost running towards Phil.  
He can feel tears burn behind his eyes and he doesn’t care now if he cries because he almost runs into him.  
  
“You’re real,” Phil says with slight disbelief and Dan just laughs.  
  
And as Phil is leading the way out of the busy train station Dan feels a spike of anxiety with all these people, so he reaches forward and does something brave, and grabs Phil’s hand.  
The older boy stops for a second to look down at their hands and smiles back at Dan with the most beautiful grin.  
  
And it’s not until later when they’re at the top of the Manchester Eye, and Phil is nervously rambling on about all the different buildings they can see from here, Dan gently takes the hem of Phil’s shirt in his fists, and Phil looks at him with big wide eyes.  
He has beautiful blue eyes, and for a second, Dan briefly thinks about Erin, and her blue eyes.  
  
But Phil eyes are so different. They’re blue, green and everything incredible, and they’re looking right into Dan’s.  
  
He’s so terrified right now, so afraid, but he waits no longer for Phil to say or do anything, so instead, he slowly pulls him closer, and Dan has tilt his head a little because Phil is a tiny bit taller, but they kiss above the city.  
  
It’s slow and warm and nice. And if feels different to the few kisses he’s had before with people.  
And when he finally pulls away, his teeth lingering on Phil’s bottom lip, Phil is a little out of breath, but his face cracks into a smile.  
  
And he’s finally feeling brave. 

**Author's Note:**

> UH this took ten million years to write and then dan came outta nowhere with his liveshow so just imagine me FURIOUSLY listening to him ramble about everything whilst trying to edit this to upload it lol :')
> 
> UHHHHHHHHH so hey this kind of subject of discovering your sexuality is kinda touchy for me, its something i dont find easy but its something im working on :) and i just want you to know that no matter who you and and what you label yourseld (or what you dont) you are always valued !! :)
> 
> SO YEAH if you enjoyed this leave me a kudos or even a comment if youre feeling nice, since they really help !! thanks :)


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